If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. Oh, I have no doubt shes overwhelmed. 5 Ways Lying Destroys Marriages, 15 Ways to Deal With an Unsupportive Partner During Pregnancy, 15 Ways to Know if Theres Enough Physical Intimacy in Your Relationship. The thing is if she wasnt happy she should have moved out. My point: not all families or bonds are the same.) From your original comment I wouldnt have known. June 18, 2015, 10:40 am. The challenge to my marriage. At the very least, youd think if she cared nothing for the MIL, shed have at least cared enough about her 8-year-old daughter (if not herself) to check out the situation before moving in. And I feel bad that this column is being published right when shes having a baby, but this is when she wrote to me. If you and your husband stop talking about personal issues frequently, it may affect your feelings for him. This woman is living under a mountain of stress in pretty crappy circumstances with inadequate support. Its one thing to say Look, I see youre living in very difficult circumstances, and that the stress of that is probably clouding your judgement. I agree that it is too much to handle, but her solution isnt the right one. Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. But I cant really blame her for deciding its too much for her to live with her mother-in-law for the rest of MILs life. 7) You Have a Dysfunctional Idea Of What a Marriage Should Be. And honestly maybe not have a baby when you cant afford a place to live? If you and your partner disagree, you can talk through the reasons and try to reach a compromise that leaves you both satisfied. Well, you need to stop that. February 24, 2017, 11:06 am. But I still maintain that Husband and his mother need to adjust their expectations a bit and really look into getting her into a retirement community. Making you his main priority and breaking away from his family is, in the end, his decision. My grandmother used to use honey with her infants and advised me to do it, too. But Im not going to act like shes an awful person for feeling that way because I probably would, too. But if this happens frequently, you must ask yourself, Why do I feel like I hate my husband?. June 18, 2015, 9:45 am. But in a marriage, couples may often feel like they hate each other. It sounds like the son wants to collect her money and provide the care himself. Almost nobody is going to show compassion to a person who isnt showing any to an elderly woman who is giving her and her children a free home. The famous statement that marriage isnt a bed of roses comes true here. Im really curious how this knife was pinned into place so much as to have potentially impaled her. Her husbands promise isnt a promise, its a life sentence. LW, you and your husband need to have a serious conversation about how caring for his mother in your home is going to affect your family and relationship. Ive seen some wonderfully compassionate but at the same time get-your-shit-together blunt responses to folks who needed to be knocked upside the head multiple times, and Im not sure why those morons deserve the compassion but this lady does not. From time immemorial, we hear more awful marriage experiences than good ones. And sometimes ill-prepared panicked people arent model human beings who can clearly assess every situation and respond with the appropriate amount of compassion. I wouldnt exactly be thrilled to live under those conditions either. It ended up being the best thing for her. However, you will stop hating your husband when you acknowledge your role in the situation. Understanding why you feel resentment in your marriage is the first step to understanding the full spectrum of emotions you harbor and deciding where your. They had to know going in what the situation would be like, but hey! It can pave the way for a better relationship. It does not have to be living with her. Id suggest putting a child gate across the door to grandmas room but grandma might not be able to open and close it and certainly doesnt sound able to step over it. The MIL just cant be left to care for herself. Of course this is family (a parent! Yesterday, I received an email from a woman who was overcome with negative emotions. Talk about sweet! When spouses dont respect each other, they stop being responsible. Plus, she has unhealthy hygiene (like, she only bathes once a week and sometimes does not wash her hands before putting them in shared food like chips or shredded cheese), and she lets her dog, who stays cooped up in her room all day, use puppy pads that she keeps until either my husband and I complain about the smell. But who among us isn't? This article will provide the answers you need. Oh, come on. And would give you or your husband a chance to get some respite (or some time to clean up the house). Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to. June 18, 2015, 2:01 pm. You probably hate him because he is flawed. FWIW I wouldnt want to live with either of my parents either, or take on the role of caregiver. . Start by making your husband aware of your feelings before taking other steps. Nicole Not knowing what her MIL was going on isnt an excuse to ditch her and move on. Its one thing to know that someone had a stroke and quite another thing to know how much someone may have changed, especially if you arent there to see it. Compound that with financial stress and the arrival of a new baby, yeah, I get why the LW feels overwhelmed. Ill graduate in a few days and have been applying to jobs that will hopefully hire me shortly after my baby is born so that we wont need any of her finances. And I do think there is a contradiction on the part of the LW in accepting support but being unwilling to return it in kind. My husband's sister has lived in another state since before I met him. Finally, you need get your own place and move out of your MILs house. I have to agree with all of the people who chimed in about mother sounding like a very typical right hemisphere stroke patient. I ask in passing how shes doing and Im always kind when we visit but its not my responsibility to check in on her just because I have a vagina. Avail years best deals on our marriage courses! * It sounds like the husband/son is dropping the ball and not fulfilling his promises to either party. These differences tend to clash when you dont compromise and make individuals incompatible. something random But not wanting her anywhere near them ever doesnt seem like a good solution. Is that right? Earlier I was thinking, what does she mean, a promise to take care of his mother? i hate my husband because of his mother santa margherita chianti classico 2014 intertops sports betting i hate my husband because of his mother May 10, 2022 Unless it was an emergency out of my control, I wouldnt stay overnight in a hotel with my child that I hadnt researched thoroughly, let alone move him into a home for many months whose state I was completely unaware of. Well how nice of you to presume to know that about me. I personally, dont have daughter in laws who are eager to get cast me off when Im inconvenient, yet (and hopefully ever). However, don't dwell much on it. Diablo, I always enjoy your comments, the ones meant in jest and the ones grounded in your own experience(s). Its not easy, but its necessary. The stress that would put on me every day. As I said yesterday, I see firsthand on a daily basis just how difficult that role is. They are inseparable. Shes not bedridden, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself. There is a picture of myself and my grandma when I was about 4, so right after her stroke, and we are baking and placing M&Ms on some cookies about to go in the oven. You are now together, and you tend to lose the spark you had when dating. Built in babysitter/dogsitter right next door! Depending on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse. something random Like other things in life, it has its problems. He doesn't work on the relationship. That contributes to your extreme hatred for your husband. something random And I still think the LW is being a jerk. . Why do I feel like my husband hates me? I loved this response! February 24, 2017, 11:43 am. 3 Detrimental Effects of Lack of Communication in Marriage, Marriage Is Not About Your Happiness but Is About Compromise, The Importance of Date Night in a Marriage and Tips to Make It Happen, Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. Bittergaymark You might hate your husband because he prioritizes only himself. She falls walking on a flat surface with nothing in her hands but she is super mad that my husband and I have made it clear that she will not be caring for the new baby or holding it while walking. Duplex is a great idea. Express your feelings without sugar-coating, 10 Effective Communication Skills in Relationships for Healthy Marriages, If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a. . One way to stop hating is to forgive them so that you can heal. Clearly, she does not seem capable of living alone without some care. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. Its easy to shift blame to others. Only in the last couple years, since she has formally disowned me and my nice sister for no good reason and stopped speaking to us entirely, have they gotten her to accept any kind of therapy, and they have run through a number of therapists. You complain, complain, complain about everything you have to do for her and how grossed out you are by her and about this horrible promise your husband made to, gasp, care for his ailing mother, but wouldnt you want your kids to show some care for you if you werent able to care for yourself and they were in a position to help out a little? Its another thing to tell her shes a jerk and entitled. She could not function at home even with 24-hour help and supervision from her children. . I dont know the details of this promise your husband made, but to me, caring for someone can be accomplished in numerous ways. I bet if you come home with legal divorce documents and property settlement forms, he'll figure out how to deal with his mother. honeybeenicki The fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour. How? I wouldnt either (especially with her issues with falls and a newborn). . We've been together for 16 years and married 14 years. I think it is natural to feel a little defensive when strangers comment on how shitty someone is for not caring about their poor parents. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Its frustrating when you have tried healthy ways to improve someone, but it proves futile. Raccoon eyes If you cant pinpoint the cause you dislike your husband, check the following possible reasons why you hate your husband: Communication goes beyond what you engage in with friends and co-workers. I get that living there is hard for you. Giving care is one thing. There are ways to work this out without going crazy or ruining your marriage. I told him two weeks ago I don't love him and I just can't stand him. Have you considered getting in home care, getting her into assisted living, ect. She never lets him get discouraged. Why do I hate my husband? Telling someone shes a bad person isnt likely to make her take the advice, but reframing the message i in a kinder (but equally blunt) way would make her more likely to take heed. I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. Dont be so damn condescending just because you dont believe in how she parented 30 years ago or whenever. June 18, 2015, 8:22 am. You can also take the advice of many marriage counselors and therapists if you need more enlightenment. What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship? If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a marriage counselor. This situation can make you hate your husband and wish you arent together. something random I own a duplex with my mom (she lives on one side, we live on the other) and I think that will come in handy years down the road when she needs care but wants to keep her independence. Last night I screamed in frustration and agony from the stupidity of the argument and the overwhelming hurt and loneliness of my feelings. That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . Aubrey Ray FiL has some nerve lecturing LW about broken promises when he is the one that (presumably) vowed before God to take care of MIL through sickness and in health. The situation of her living alone, in her house, should be remedied. 2. I have compassion for both LW and her MIL. June 18, 2015, 10:07 am. Overall, I feel for you. How? Be an adult, support yourself, and if you need help, accept it graciously and compassionately and dont look your gift horse in the mouth (i.e. Besides, hating your husband is just like when you blurt out, I hate this car! when it refuses to start during a rush hour. For instance, you can initiate revisiting where you first met each other or go on a vacation to a new place. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: Knowing what to do when you hate your husband can save your marriage time. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. This is not the right time to blame your husband, but to evaluate your actions in the past. Instead, engage in healthy and thoughtful communication to solve the problem. The best way to solve the dislike for your husband is to communicate. She always signed my birthday cards, but it wasnt legible because she couldnt write. That one could be real, it almost happened to me once (not while I was pregnant). I guess Im one the posters that understands how stressful and difficult this situation must be for LW. However, it doesnt always work like that. . My husband blames him for being an absent dad. Sunshine Brite How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? I think there are plenty of valid reasons grown children might choose to distance themselves from their former parents/ caregivers. June 18, 2015, 12:13 pm. How did you get them?? They often have tons of options for activities and just getting out may help her mental and emotional well being. Im absolutely not saying it would be okay for her to cut ties from the MIL when she and her husband are finally able to and leave her to fester without getting her proper care, but I totally can understand how the LW feels so panicked about the situation, and how she doesnt want to spend the rest of her life continuing to live in the same house as her MIL, as it seems her husband wants to. And if Id been pregnant, I definitely would have run into it. They tend to be confrontational and hard headed. He has directly told me that Im simply hormonal and Im just using my childrens safety as an excuse to get my way. something random Start by doing the following: Start by complimenting him or appreciating him. When my husband was two, she gave him weed to try to get him to go to sleep, and saw nothing wrong with being naked around him and allowing other females to be naked around him clear up to his teen years. He learned this strategy early in childhood, often from a harsh and abusive or guilt-inducing . Seriously. She certainly isn't. But she goes after him constantly, every conversation and every visit. So you talk to your husband and you move out. Some disadvantages, including bad habits, can become more noticeable and annoying by time. He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. You dont get to complain about the free place youve been crashing in for however many months, no matter how much deep cleaning you had to do to make it livable. Skyblossom Wendy, I think your column was great advice for this letter writer. Like, angled so that the blade was over the edge of the counter, almost parallel to the counter. Meanwhile, all she does is live and eat in her room, watch TV all day and night, and feed her poop-eating dog from her mouth or with the utensil shes also using. In fact, someone else may be a far better option. He's "nice" and "helpful.". Im an not saying she should get the thumbs up to just move out and leave her MIL as is. Im not saying it will be easy or that she will agree without putting up any resistance, but your husband, and maybe even your FIL, should be the ones sorting that out while you SUPPORT him in a loving way. As for being totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition before they moved in? Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and, 7 Ways to Feel Better When Someone Hurts You, When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? I am leaving a different comment than the rest.I am on the lw side.It seems like the husband is not really taking that good care of his mother.Just being in the same house does not equal care.I bet most of the care is on the lw.She cannot handle that with being so pregnant and going to school so it looks to me the care this lady really is getting is lacking.First off why are the pee pads just sitting there?Hubby should be picking them up many times a day then scrubbing the floor each time.Why is her room gross?Hubby should be cleaning that daily also.Since he does not work he should be cleaning her whole house daily also.Her hygene is lacking?Hubby should be taking care of that too.I bet the lw does most of the work and is just very overwhelmed.I would not bring a newborn in to that situation right therebut then there is a very scary safety situation with mil wanting to pick up newborn and she falls alot.Then the germs this mil creates with her dirty ways.Hubby is not really taking care of her and I say this because if he really was none of thease things would even be a issue.It is time for the sake of mil being safe and looked after in the right way to be placed somewhere.Also for the baby to be safe.If hubby does not do that no matter how much you love him I would leave if I was her just to keep the baby safe.In the usa this lack of care would be called elder abuse and comes with a jail term.I worked in nurseing homes.Even with staff to help it was the hardest job I ever had. For those of you who have been raised by loving parents, even in difficult economic circumstances, this must seem like a no-brainer, a challenge but a sacrifice that any moral person should be willing to make. TaraMonster Or is he open to other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with her but instead using some of Wendys ideas? She was conscious and present, but she physically had difficulty even just doing that. 17 Signs Your Husband Hates You 1. Like LW has to be held responsible for a promise her husband made in his youth before he had the life experience to understand the possible ramifications. ChickenNugget What I find even more awful than wanting to just flat out abandon her is your complete lack of compassion for this woman, and how youre allowing her to, as Wendy put it, rot in her own filth in her bedroom. My husband is wonderful but he seems to believe that since his mother is willing to pay part of the bills when we buy a house that she is needed. However, it doesnt always work like that. by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. June 18, 2015, 11:04 am, That has to be so amazing to have your mom so close with your baby on the way , honeybeenicki something random Skyblossom Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. My parents didnt and dont see what they were doing. If hes willing to throw away a promise to his mother just because things are difficult now, what makes you think he wouldnt do the same to you? We made long-term goals together like engagement, marriage, kids, the whole 9. But when my husband made the promise to always care for his mother, he wasnt married, didnt have a step-child or a brand new baby on the way. As the smart, capable children, me and my other sister were basically left to our own devices with very little parenting from about ages 11 and 9. What changed all of a sudden? The combination of an elderly MIL recovering from a stroke, a husband on disability, a kid and another on the way, AND looking for employment is definitely very difficult. It sounds like the MIL is going to need all of her own money so that she can be taken care of. I think it would be an act of compassion to carefully consider that other people may have their own reasons for having a completely different set of expectations for themselves regarding their parents/in-laws besides just being a bad son or daughter that doesnt care about a helpless elder. can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. Wheres your compassion for that? (Little sis called CPS on my father at age 14, claiming he was physically abusing her, which is absolutely not true, and put herself in to foster care. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and failed marriages. Otherwise, its bound to bring out hatred in one person. She could have written in about the husband and issues with navigating her MILs care and left everything else out. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Taking responsibility can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. 5. You might dislike cohabiting with your husband because you dont see him as your friend. You know- where folks can get an apartment-type setup, but they can get the level of help they need- be it someone to clean once a week or day or to help them get to appointments or take meds or whatever. Be remedied the people who i hate my husband because of his mother in about mother sounding like a very typical right stroke... Love your partner once your husband and wish you arent together who was overcome with negative emotions the that... Also take the advice of many marriage counselors and therapists if you need your... 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